It goes without saying that The Olympic Games – since it’s conception back in 776 B.C. –
highlights nothing short of the world’s greatest athletes. From every walk of life, physical
specimens beyond that of the average individual come forth to stake their claim amongst
legends of the past in the most highly coveted sporting events since the dawn of man. Children
across the globe dream of one day shouldering the cheers of their nation to take part in such
displays. That being said, myself – an overweight man in his mid-20’s – despite my modicum of
athletic experience, will never see such glory. Instead, I will forever browse the event from
behind any given television screen whilst eating middle-grade sushi and drinking zero sugar
A&W root beer as I lounge – immobile for hours on end – in my seat of choice.
I digress. Here is how I believe I would fare in the official list of Paris’ 2024 Olympic Games
events. Of which, I will give a 1-5 star ranking as far as my skill level and a percentage likelihood
of injury.
1. Archery
★★
Chance of Injury: 10%
Although I’ve never shot a bow and arrow in my life – this is one of the very few that I will most
likely go unscathed and at least perform averagely. Apart from a sore forearm or potential
blowback of the bow’s string, I think I’d be pretty safe. Then again, this just considers my own
safety so… I hope to Christ there aren’t bystanders behind the target.
2. Artistic Gymnastics
★
Chance of Injury: 99%
Severed spinal cord, shattered vertebrae, countless torn ligaments, internal bleeding, and head
trauma… I did tumbling when I was like two years old but being that my flexibility is that of a steel
beam – I’d not only fumble around like an idiot, I’d break and snap everything in my body trying
anything other than hopping around on a mat.
3. Artistic Swimming
★★
Chance of Injury: 25%
I had to tread water when I was a sophomore in college and my tactic was simple: hold my
breath and sink to the bottom… When I felt like I was going to drown, I’d push myself back up
and do it again. Not only do I think I’d look like one of those pelicans in Dawn commercials back
in the early 2000’s – I’d likely run out of stamina within a minute and sink to the bottom. Only I’d
stay there this time.
4. Athletics (Track and Field)
★
Chance of Injury: 80%
I don’t run at all these days nor do I do any sort of abrupt, strenuous movement. Any sort of
sprinting or distance running would put me with two blown out quads or hamstrings if some sort
of respiratory-induced cardiac issue didn’t take me first. Any throwing activity would have my
already-blown-out shoulder in pieces and the hammer-throw would take my arms with it.
Overall, I could do the events… Albeit poorly.
5. Badminton
★★★
Chance of Injury: 45%
Rapid movement is not good for me but shockingly enough, I think I’d do alright with this one. A
knee blow-out could definitely be in the cards but with generally decent hand-eye coordination, I
reckon I could whack it back and forth for a little bit.
6. Baseball/Softball
★★★
Chance of Injury: 60%
This is probably the only one I have a decent shot in. And, when I say decent, I mean I’d be the
embarrassment of the nation. In both sports, I could be a middle-relieving pitcher who could possibly luck out of a few innings of ground-contact at-bats. I’d never lift my arm again, but at least I’d be alive.
6. Basketball
★★
Chance of Injury: 20%
This is one of those sports where I don’t really know what I’d do. I can’t shoot and I can’t move. I
think maybe I could dish the ball around decently but getting up and down the court would have
me seizing on the Olympic logo within ten minutes. I’d most likely get bullied off the court but I
think I could at least survive. I bet I’d hit one good three.
6. Beach Volleyball
★
Chance of Injury: 85%
Broken ankles. Broken Nose. I can bump the ball good as hell (shoutout Miss Maxwell at
Warwood Middle) but other than that I’d take a spike off the face and wake up with my jaw wired
shut.
6. Boxing
★
Chance of Injury: 100%
I don’t think I have to write anything here. Give or take 14 seconds awake in the ring before I’m
bedridden for the rest of my life.
7.Breaking (Breakdancing)
★★★
Chance of Injury: 60%
I wouldn’t do good – don’t get me wrong – but I think I could at least survive this event. I’d look
like a deer with broken legs but I used to do that sit and spin thing back at middle-school dances
that really got the crowd going. I also always have wanted to try that thing where you stand on
your head and spin around but given my stature – my head would cave into my neck.
8.Canoe (Slalom and Sprint)
★★
Chance of Injury: 75%
I’ve never been in a canoe in my life but I figure it’s not impossible to do. Once again, I think I
could survive if that was my only goal. If I was trying to ‘sprint’, I’d most likely tip over and get
stuck underneath.
8.Cricket
★★★
Chance of Injury: 30%
Similar to baseball, if I was the bowler in Cricket – I’d never lift my arm again but I know how to
swing a bat and I know how to vaguely field a ball. I still don’t understand the rules of cricket and
I’d probably be beheaded by whatever professional league fanbases watch the sport – but I think
out of all of this, I’d do alright.
9.Cycling (BMX Freestyle/Racing/Mountain Bike)
★
Chance of Injury: 99%
If I didn’t have to try and do good on either of these, I think I could pussy-foot my way through
but if I had to go 100%… Well, I’d be in full traction in a hospital bed within the hour of
competing. I can ride a bike, sure. But, if it means going down some mountain path, I’d be
wrapped around a tree in a broken heap.
10.Diving
★★★
Chance of Injury: 70%
No serious injuries would be incurred but I can just barely do a front flip off of a regular dive. If a
pencil would suffice, this could be up there in my most ‘able-to-do’ events but being that we’re
assuming I have to try… I’d over or under rotate and shatter all my facial bones against the
water. I just changed from 15% to 70%.
11.Equestrian
★★★★
Chance of Injury: 80%
This could potentially be my overall highest chance of success and injury. The only animal I’ve
ever ridden is a camel at the Pittsburgh zoo when I was around 9 years old, so I’m not sure
where my skill resides there. However, aside from being kicked into oblivion before I even get
on the horse or having it rear up and crush me like a bug underneath it… If I had a good horse,
they’d get me through!
Look out for Part 2!